Unspoken Expectations

Most, if not all of us, have had unrealistic standards impressed upon us. Whether or not it's ever spoken, it's still there. 

Ministry kids must be saved, good, little Christians. They must have their life all together. They must not ever struggle to obey their parents and always love their siblings. 

Or at least... that's what we, the ministry kids, need to make everyone think. 

The pastors, missionaries, evangelists, and those we minister to mustn't see my flaws. Why would they support an imperfect family to share the Gospel? What person would willingly hear the Gospel from a person who doesn't always reflect Christ? If I'm not perfect, doesn't that make me a hypocrite?

If I make our family look less than perfect, they won't support our family. My dad will lose his job. Our whole ministry would fall apart. I would fail God... again. It would be my fault... because a minister of the gospel must have "...faithful children not accused of riot or unruly." (Titus 1:6) 

Whoa! Let's stop for a minute and break down that verse. 

(There are lots of resources out there to do this kind of Bible study, but I'm personally using blueletterbible.com where you can look at the definitions of each Greek or Hebrew word. You can look up all the other places that Greek word is used in the Bible, too.)

Paul is writing to Titus, who was in Crete to set this baby church in order. Paul gave the requirements and duties of the elders in the church. Imagine, all the Christians are first-generation. They're coming out of paganism, plural marriages, etc... They've never known anything else. This is an extreme situation!

"faithful" - that can be relied on. 

"children" - Offspring, children. 

"accused" - This is actually a proposition used as "in, by, with..." Let's insert the most logical one into the verse for better understanding: "...faithful children not in riot or unruly."

"of riot" - dissolute life; living in a way that other people strongly disapprove of. There is a big difference between messing up once and living your life consistently in a way that isn't Christ-honoring. Your testimony is important, yes. But more important to Christ, is your relationship with HIM above all else. We each have our struggles, but God gives us victory! 

 "For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceiving, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another. But after that, the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared, Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy, He saved us, by the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Ghost; Which He shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior; that being justified by His grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life." 

 - Titus 3:3-7

"unruly" - disobedient. Ouch! That one doesn't have to be so blunt, does it? I know I haven't been perfect at this one. Newsflash: ALL of us, ministry kid or not, struggle with obedience. 

So the verse now says: "faithful children not living in a way that other people strongly disapprove of or disobedient." That seems insurmountable! 

Now that we have a clearer understanding of that verse, can you guess what I'm gonna tell you? Yup! You don't have to be perfect! If you are a Child of God, you are still in the sanctification process. Romans 3:10 says: "There is none righteous, no, not one." We all mess up! 

A dear friend of mine, Rachel Vermass, pointed out to me the cyclical aspect of the trauma of this perfectionist mindset. You become so afraid of someone seeing you're imperfections, that you start shutting people out. It seems the simplest way to protect yourself. But what you don't see in the moment is that isolation often sends you to an even scarier place than loneliness: depression. 

The mentality surrounding missionaries, evangelists, and pastors, can actually be very dangerous! First, they are held to a higher standard which somehow implies that they are above everyone else—which creates a bad mentality for people outside the ministry. Then, for the people in the ministry, it creates this need to be perfect, which leads to toxic perfectionism in their lives. I’m not sure how one can fix this problem, but it does desperately need to be fixed. 

While these statistics aren't "ministry-kid-specific," they gives you an idea of what families in ministry go through. The children in a ministry- home (or any home) sense the tension whether or not it's ever addressed. Some statistics I found on pastors' mental health after a quick Google search from https://www.soulshepherding.org/pastors-under-stress/:

• 75% of pastors report being “extremely stressed” or “highly stressed”

• 90% feel fatigued and worn out every week

• 100% of 1,050 Reformed and Evangelical pastors had a colleague who had left the ministry because of burnout, church conflict, or moral failure

• 91% have experienced some form of burnout in ministry and 18% say they are “fried to a crisp right now”

• 70% constantly fight depression

• 80% believe their pastoral ministry has negatively affected their families and 33% said it was an outright hazard 

• 80% of ministry spouses feel left out and unappreciated in their church

• 65% feel their family is in a glass house

Now can you now see what a big deal this is? Can you see why it burdens my heart? 

This is why we need to build a village! 

Not everyone has a trusted person they can talk to.

Hopefully, you can find your tribe here.